Leonard Cohen would have said: “It`s 4 in the morning, the end of December”. Well, I cannot say the same. All I can say is that currently it’s 2:00 in the morning, almost the end of October. I am kindly tired but won’t go to sleep. I am a bit drunk but okay to write something. Just kicked some Neo-Nazis from my and my friend’s local bar… Local has it been for the last couple of days. Tomorrow(Or may I say in 6 hours from now) we’ll take off with a plane all the way back to London. The Republic of Ireland will remain a nice dream for cold days. Something to want to run to when things go bad. And yes, they shall go bad. But that’s balance. And that’s the reason why I am not going to sleep. Started that way, gonna end up this way. And of course, just like the Viking warrior’s bones I saw today, We’ll have enough time to sleep till and throughout eternity. I cannot seem to fathom all I feel at the moment. I guess I am content, and I guess also dissatisfied. I have seen nature. I want in. I must go back into society. I am not so sure I want out. To tell the truth, I am not so sure what I do want. All I know is that I am held at balance by the strict frame of life. Would have liked to break away. Would have liked some more experience. Would have liked to touch the skies and fly. But now all I can do is fly in dreams into nature. The same one I am composed of. May be my green yours. May your green be mine so there is no way to differentiate  between the two.

It’s natural you want me hurt; it’s natural you want me happy.

When things go wrong or don’t seem right they say: be optimistic. Well, I try. When you are busy and you have no time to think about being busy, you don’t really need to try. I try because all I am busy with is writing this post now. It’s not that I don’t consider this being busy, but it’s not the kind of”busy” I would like to be. I have many things I both want and can be busy with, like continue writing my book, reminiscing on my past, looking at the clouds and hoping they will turn grayer than they are now (I am not a gloomy guy, I just look forward to the autumn and the nice breeze that comes along with it) and drinking another cup of tea.

The paradox is that I am not really busy with anything, so I keep on thinking about being so. I do not do any of the above because I am not, as you already know, busy; and I know that if I were I would have definitely done all of the above and more. I guess that the thought of being busy grants me some optimism. I would have liked to find my dream job already, and to go on the trip to Ireland already, and drive my car (which I do not yet posses) around the block of dreams. That would have kept me busy, and I am sure it would have also propelled me to write some more posts. Things don’t really seem to go as I would like them to, so I try to stay optimistic. Nevertheless, at some point I will have more than enough things to be busy with I might not complain ever again about being unoccupied. Then, the paradox might be resolved: by being busy I will have done all of the above and more.

I tend to believe that this is when my life turns ironic. I will have managed to do more than I’d ever dreamt of doing only by doing other things completely. Oh, I sure hope I will have time to write my book, reminisce on my past, look at the clouds and hope they turn grayer, drive my car in an actual block and drink my I-stopped-counting cup of tea. Yes, I have all the reasons to be optimistic so I don’t even need to try. But I am still trying , and I guess that when I succeed things will go more smoothly.

In the meantime, I do have some things to be busy with though I do not seem to appreciate them as such. I guess that what I really need to focus on is trying to live the present, appreciate my current cups-of tea, my love life, and many other little things. You cannot really be unoccupied; you can only think you are. Every moment has its blessing and it is always being replaced by the moments coming after it.

Okay, maybe in our heads not every moment has its blessing, but some say we should try to be optimistic. I think that counts for blessed moments.  I can’t tell you my current level of optimism, but I vouch that when I feel busy enough with what I want to be busy with, I’ll write another post: Hail to Optimism. But then I will not even need to be optimistic; that’s for when you hope for things to get better, and that happens when you are busy with things you like doing.

Optimism is an overtone. It should adhere to the state of being busy. Tell me to be optimistic and I’ll immediately see how I can occupy myself; tell me to keep busy And that’s when I’ll be most optimistic.